This week I have been in a situation to do some really deep self-examination.
...Of the yucky kind!...
...The kind I try and avoid thinking about!...
...But of the necessary kind!...
So I thought today that I might talk about it a little more. As hard as it is, it will be good for me to open up about the true impact and the "cost" that Neil's working away has on me and our family...
... not really even just opening up about it, but for a change acknowledging & accepting it myself...
because it does come at a high cost to me!
The first thing that people usually say to me when I tell them that Neil works away for 4 weeks out of every 5 (4 weeks away working 10 + hour days, 1 week at home on "rest and relaxation" break), is "wow, I don't know how you do it..."
Everyone says it! ... If I had a dollar...!
My usual response is "you just do it..." which is the truth... but it's the really short truth! (and the "brave face" truth!)
What I really feel like saying is... "I don't know how I do either!",
because the reality of it all, when acknowledged, is pretty grim!
This week I was caused to rethink about why we started down this journey in the first place..
... Like most families who choose for the husband to work away, it all started for us because of the $$$. (Lets face it - I can't actually think of any other reasons why you'd want to!)(Eta: Obviously not referring to husbands in service to their country- that's a different issue) At the time when we made the decision we had a brand new baby, a huge mortgage, other debt, and very low income potential in the small town that we lived in New Zealand. We couldn't sell our house because of the drop in the market without losing unimaginable amounts of money, so we felt we had 2 options available to us....
Either we could both work full time & Neil could work a second job as well, OR, we could move to Australia where the money was considerably better and Neil would work away for a time while we paid off some debt, (and supposedly the economy improved).
It has always been important to us that I stay at home full time with the children, so we went for option B. We knew very realistically that it would come at a high cost to our family, but we also knew that of the 2 options, if we did it for a short time, that it would be the most promising in terms of future possibility... And it also had the added benefit of Neil gaining a valuable qualification while doing it!
It is 3 years exactly since we made that decision...
During that time our reason for doing it hasn't changed. Our need for doing it unfortunately hasn't changed. But our capacity for surviving doing it has decreased significantly!!...
You would think that perhaps over time it would get easier, but seemingly the opposite is true.
I like to think of myself as a girl who focuses on the positives. I try and focus on the good side of people and situations. So I don't often acknowledge or talk about this side of my life: How much I miss Neil. Just how much it actually breaks my heart to see my kids miss him. Just how much I feel like only half a person without him by my side. How hard it is not to have someone we love walk through the door at 5pm and give us a change of scene and a break from each other. How hard it is getting no time away from my kids...
Partly I don't talk about this because I'm aware that before long I will probably sound whingy, and noone likes a whinger!... but also partly because it's just too painful to!!!
But over time the weariness of it all has set in, and little by little I have noticed that small integral pieces of me have faded away...
It happened so slowly that over time (months) I didn't even notice. But the changes happened none the less...
... motivation to do things slowly decreased...
... things around the house started to slip - all of a sudden bedtimes stories have become a thing of the past, the frequency I bath the kids seems to have stretched out somewhat, the dishes start to stay around for longer & feel like more of a chore than usual, the washing starts to pile up more, the dog needs a bath, my temper is a lot shorter than usual...
These little indicators don't seem like much - but for a girl who likes to have everything in order and a tidy house they are a big deal, and they are obvious indicators of worse issues...
... missing playgroup, not phoning a friend, declining offers of invitations, missing mothers group, no energy to sew or create, withdrawal from blogging & other social media (and not for healthy reasons)... withdrawal from family and friends... withdrawal from pretty much everything I usually love...
All because it's just.too.hard.
In other words I S O L A T I N G myself with depression....
These are all things that I've been experiencing in the last couple of months.
I just haven't told anyone about it.
Mostly because I chose not to acknowledge that it was happening.
It turns out that's a really bad idea!
Without acknowledging that I had a problem, I in turn caused further isolation. I became a crappy wife, mother and friend - Self absorbed. Depressed. Selfish. Exhausted. Unstable. I ended up pushing people away that I didn't mean to...
And I am sorry that I let it get as bad as I did before accepting that I needed to acknowledge it as a problem and take action!
***
We still have 7 months at least to survive of Neil working away.
That is how long he has left of his apprenticeship.
To be honest I am not sure how I'm going to survive it! But now that I have acknowledged within myself & to other people that I have a problem, that I am struggling and that I am depressed, I know I will be better equipped to survive. We have also taken some other steps this week. Mainly the hard & massive step to move from our much loved & cherished church, and into a smaller one, with some regular groups that I can join, and which will hopefully make it harder for me to slip into isolation again!
Hard steps.
Brave steps.
But steps that are already proving helpful to me in moving forward!
And with faith, and with support, and now that I've acknowledged that I have a problem, hopefully the knot in the pit of my stomach will slowly fade, and with that fade my strong cheerful former self will return!!
So that is our journey. That is my daily battle.
I am looking forward to the time where I can look back and say how much stronger I am for going through this. But for the meantime I'm taking one baby wobble in front of the other in order to get through...
Would I recommend that other families decided to start the "working away" life??!!....
I really doubt that I ever would!
Will it be worth it for us in the long run??....
I am still confident that it will.
I have to be!
20 comments:
OH, that is so hard. Hang in there, take care of yourself. If you can afford it, get a babysitter once a week so you get a breather, even if its just for a few hours. Hope things get better.
Im here for you sweetheart, i know Uni has taken over my life a lot lately but im just a phone call away. If your feeling down, Good excuse for me to put the books aside and meet for a catch up. Hang in there, your doing great xx
I feel for you. There have been several periods of our marriage that my husband has worked away and only been home weekends - now being one of those periods. Same reason - economic. And it started for me when the kids were very young, I was in a new country with now support network to fall back on. It is never easy. Advice I can offer, (a) take help when it is offered, (b) try and get a little bit of time each week that is consistently there for you and only you, (c) see if there is anyone who can babysit when your husband is home so that you can have time to keep your relationship happy and healthy, (d) learn to not worry if the dishes don't get washed (or the kids) because in the scheme of things that is nothing. And when you do feel crap have a good cry. I did, a lot for one period of time. Just let it out, admit that you are having a hard day/week/month and then pick yourself up, and keep going. Because that is what we have to do. Do a countdown to when Neil can come home for good. If you can visualise the months falling away and the light at the end of the tunnel then you will be able to deal with what you have to now.
Hope this helped a little.
You have made the most positive, the biggest, the hardest, first step, and you made it in the right direction at absolutely the right time. Because YOU made that step, acknowledging that things were not perfect, wonderful and oh so cheery, YOU will be OK. Not, perfect, but perfectly human. You asked for help, and you will get it. Take it, embrace it, everyday take little steps, and every day and you will complete your journey- likely you may not even recognize the determined, young, resourceful woman, wife and mother on the other end but you will be so much the stronger, wiser and resilient. One foot in front of the other. Keep asking for help. Keep your eyes and what spirits you can muster focused upward. Even across distances, there are people, friends, fellow bloggers, that will walk with you- in your virtual shoes- just ask……….
Kat I can imagine the strength it took for you to write this post, but am so proud of you for it. Acknowledgement is always the first step for anything and that you have taken! Just know that I AM ALWAYS here if you ever need ANYTHING...and am happy to share the load :)
Much Aroha to you babe.
xx
What a beautifully written post, Kat. Whenever you fancy a whinge just email me :) xxx
Wow, that is an amazing thing to share with all of us out here.
I so appreciate you doing so and I will be thinking of you and your remaining time and hoping that it goes swiftly and goes well.
I hope that you feel a bit better soon.
I too am here if you need to talk!!!
Hey Babe,
Life can suck big time some days, but please don't let it suck the life out of you!
Just the fact that you have been able to acknowledge your feelings is the biggest thing you can do to help & support yourself :)
One Day at a Time.
There was a point in my life where I thought I had achieved something just by getting dressed in the morning.
STOP, breath & have a good honest look around you every day! Life is good, you ARE a wonderful woman, a wonderful mother, wife, sister, daughter & friend. This period in your life is a small chunk in the big scheme of things. In time, you will look back on these years and realise just how strong you were!
If it wasn't for the Tasman Sea, I'd be there this afternoon with my quilting basket full of hugs x
You are just the most amazing person, for many reasons, but at the moment it's because you've written this. Saying these feeling out loud must have been so scary and hard but by doing so you're gaining some control. It's great to hear you're taking steps, just one at a time is perfect. And now that you've shared with us just yell out when you need a virtual hug. Sending you a really big hug and strength to get through the days.
Hopefully writing that helps you process some stuff. Sounds like an extremely hard gig.
Brave girl for writing this and sharing. I hope that you get the support that you all need to get through the next few months, and I hope that you are able to be easier on yourself. Washing children is less important than loving them, really, it's true! It's hard for all parents with young children, especially hard when a partner works away as you feel so responsible for every decision that is made. No wonder you are worn out.
Take care of yourself, award yourself time each evening to just be you, and don't try to take on extra duties! Hope you all come through OK.
Depression can affect anyone. It happened to me. Busyness, husband working to much, 2 kids and a crappy pregnacy. It was rough. Good friends helped. Going to the Dr helped. Meds helped. Acknowlegding helped. Faith helped. Hubby loved me just the way I was...
The journey is hard. But you can get through.
After it all was over I had learned alot about myself. I am still learning 18 years later. I also share my story with people when I feel lead to.
Thanks for sharing. You have people who care. Even strangers from Canada...lol
You are a strong lady and this is a time in your life to learn to lean on others who are there to hold you up...walk the journey with you...ignore dishes in the sink and the unmade beds...friends to cry with and laugh with...your trip away will be great family time to strengthen you for the next leg of the journey.
You sure took a great big first step Kat - good on ya! I can't imagine how much you have been handling on your own, but as has been said above, you're not alone. We'll be here, any time you need a good whinge ;^)
(((((((hugs to you kiddo!)))))))
My husband is often away for 5 -6 days at stretch. If not for my parents being very close by plus 2 sisters, I really don't know how I'd do it. Of course, my daughter is 10 now, but still... work full time, and we're trying to figure out a way for me to leave my job. Seems like my kid need me MORE now that she's a little older. My secret? There isn't one. My house isn't clean, my garden is a wreck, I never have enough time, but... we're doing better than a lot of people. Hang in there sweetie - most of us aren't SuperGirl!
I just stumbled upon your blog when doing the Sew Mama Sew giveaway tour, but I wanted to say that I wish you the best! I stay home and take care of my 3 kids, none of whom are school age yet. I couldn't imagine my husband being away 4 out of 5 weeks. Even though it's been so tough, you made the best decision you could. Your kids are fortunate to have such dedicated parents.
All my best - I can certainly commiserate! <3
Congrats on taking the biggest step in admitting you need help. Sending you lots of hugs from across the country. **hugs**
Thanks for sharing this! My husband was away for work for almost two months last fall and I nearly went crazy. I don't know how I did it either. And all those same things were starting to happen. Some of them were bad habits that now (months later) are hard to resist falling back to. I can honestly say it was the hardest couple months of my life! I hope for you that you'll be able to find the strength to keep reaching out, and maybe a friend will be willing to take the kids for an hour or two one afternoon a week? I remember that being the hardest. The constant-ness of it all. Good luck!
I came to your blog for the giveaway, but I was too late. I'm so glad that I found you! I want to congratulate you on being brave enough to be honest in this post. There are thousands (billions?) of women around the world who feel EXACTLY the way you do, and just hearing someone say what you're secretly thinking and feeling can be so freeing. You have done a lot of good for a lot of women just by telling the truth about where you're at. And doesn't it seem ironic that when we're feeling lonely we tend to isolate ourselves? Thank you so much for sharing. I think we are designed to do life together and encourage each other as wives, women, and mothers. Good job you!
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