The blog world is good like that - it can gloss over the real issues if you want it to...
So let me keep it a little more real for you...
(some of you who have got to know me quite well have probably guessed this anyway!)
All my sewing and busy-ness in the last two weeks?!... - some could call it really good distraction techniques, procrastination or avoidance of what has really been going on in my brain!...
My way of coping!
You see, last Monday I ran out of my prescription for these little pink pills...
My doctors words when he gave me the prescription were... "I'll give you 3 months prescription at this stage, but if you feel really good in 2 months then you may give it a try off them and just stop taking them..."
me... "Would I not have to wean myself off them or anything?"...
him... "No, because you are only going to be on them for such a short time you can just stop taking them... you don't even need to come back in and see me, unless you want to or need to discuss it further..."
... It had actually only been about 6 weeks of being on them. But I have been feeling REALLY really good...
And really productive...
And patient....
And kind....
And creative...
And like the sun shone out of my family's (- read children's) little tooshies...
... in other words - somewhat close to my "normal" self...
Still with normal amounts of "wobbles", but generally able to function at a reasonable level without collapsing into a dithering mess of panic & self doubt! (or go off the deep end in a split second at my family about nothing!)
So in my own wisdom (note to self ** listen to friends next time & go back to the doctor before making rash decisions just because you can't find your prescription & are too lazy to go to the doctor!!) I decided to try stopping taking them & save myself $36 per month. I mean - that's $36 dollars more I'd have to spend on fabric therapy right?! ;)
Day 1... still felt like the sun shone out of my children's tooshies...
Day 2... small bouts of dizziness. Small bouts of self doubt starting to creep in. Patience a little shorter than it had been on them. - Woke up at 3am and couldn't turn brain off...
...uh oh - not good signs...
Day 3... out came a mumma something resembling this...
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| image found here... |
Short tempered is probably an understatement! Grumpy with life itself! Couldn't sleep! Did not eat properly! ...Thinking that what came out of my children's tooshies was definitely.NOT.sunshine... Trying to muscle through and make the best of things... but starting to feel it all slipping away again.
I bravely decided to give it more time, but...
Days 4, 5, 6 & 7 all the way through to Day 14: Much the same horrible dragon mumma & wife!
... in other words I have been feeling like I'm falling back into the routine of what was - during "the bleak period."
***
I was anticipating that my mindset would change back a little off the drugs...
I was anticipating that it may be rocky coming off them so soon...
I was anticipating that it would take a while (to go through withdrawal) before things settled down again...
... But after two weeks of things slipping completely back to how they were (while Neil is still here none the less!), I am thinking that perhaps it was too soon. Perhaps they were really doing something after all! Perhaps... just perhaps, it wasn't a miraculous coincidence that I was feeling so much better so soon after taking them after all - and perhaps they just really agreed with me and were actually doing their job...
I have resisted this medication business every step of the way! I do not like resorting to drugs. As much as I like to think to myself that I do not bow to stigma - I still do. A bit....
In the small dark dusty corner of my brain, the stigma still existed: "...It's fine for other people to need drugs, but somehow subconsciously I'll admit that I held myself to a different standard & expected more of myself. That I would just be able to get through it. That it would just be a lot easier for things to return to pre-depression/anxiety days of ease... that I needed to just harden up"...
And that makes me really angry with myself and society at large for portraying Mental Health issues as "a weakness" and something to be embarrassed about! Mental health is really serious! We should be able to be honest about these things and support each other through them - not feel embarrassed & suffer in silence.
Therefore I am now ready to admit that they have their place for this season in my life. I know I admitted that I was on them before - that is one thing. But admitting that I'm going to need to stay on them now (to myself more than anything), for this season, is quite a big deal for me...
So in short, I rocked up to the pharmacy this afternoon, fresh from my doctors office, to refill my prescription. With any luck, in a few more days, I'll be back to relative emotional stability!
At least now I know what they do!!
There you go - sometimes things aren't what they seem...
That is all...
21 comments:
*hug*
Hmmmm....don't be so hard on yourself. xxxxx Here's to a brighter week.
Thanks for sharing this! I think it needs to be talked about a lot more in our society. My husband is on some meds that he keeps saying "I think I need to get off of these" oh it's a battle. To keep him in his happy functioning life he should stay on them as long as the doctor requires! I'm glad that you went back to your doc, they typically know what they're doing! :) And not to worry, I'm fairly certain they encounter this pretty often! Hope it starts working again quickly!
Isn't it silly how we'll take pills willingly for all sorts of "stuff" but we shy away from taking them to make/keep ourselves and our lives on an even keel? Well done you for acknowledging that you need your wee pink pills - and for going and getting more. :)
Thinking of you.....
Oh Kat, you are braver than brave. So proud of you and does it help the bleak moments to know that such a serious post was also seriously funny. Your mind is fantastic, don't knock it. It is just life that is tough right now. You'll get through it and if it is a little pill that helps you do it then embrace it and enjoy the gifts you have.
Hugs to you! I agree there is such a stigma that makes people not want to talk about it but it is important. I blogged about my PPD because it was like therapy to me to get it out. And now I can see how far I've come. I am not one to resort to medication either but I had to. And everyone is okay with it. You have to do what is best for you and your family. :) Great job writing about it too! You'll be surprised how many people feel the same things but won't even discuss it.
A big hug from me too. I think you are wonderful talking about it. I wish more people would. Mental health certainly needs to be viewed openly and with no stigma attached.
Another brave and honest post Kat.
I think the experience you've related here is a common one in terms of going off medication and realising it still might be needed for a while. I figure if you feel more like "you" on the meds keep at it !
Yes there should be NO stigma about mental illness and having to take medication!! We have a lot of it in our family and medication has been essential, in both short and long term with different people!
There is light at the end of the tunnel...through the ups and downs!!
Thanks so much for your refreshing honesty and bring some reality to blogland! YOU ARE AWESOME!!!!!!!!
Yes there should be NO stigma about mental illness and having to take medication!! We have a lot of it in our family and medication has been essential, in both short and long term with different people!
There is light at the end of the tunnel...through the ups and downs!!
Thanks so much for your refreshing honesty and bring some reality to blogland! YOU ARE AWESOME!!!!!!!!
Kat, I resisted meds for years and years and years because of what people would say... finally I "gave in"... It's been 10 years now and I realise I have to be on them for the rest of my life which sucks, but at the same time, I know it is way better for me... HUGS!!!!
Hmmm, I think I will be a bit more persistent in the future Miss! I know I have had a lot of family issues taking up space in my brain but I am always here for you Kat.
You know...I bowed to the stigma of taking meds too with my pnd but in hindsight I would have prevented a lot of grief, unhappiness and anxiety for not only myself but my family had I been as brave as you are. You are an inspiration Kat in more ways than one...love you.
x
Praying for you beautiful! sometimes those little pills are needed for a season.
x
Thanks for your honesty.. Nothing wrong with a little help in any form.
Hope your week gets better each day.
Love that you can get real in blogland! It's very refreshing! And I think you'll probably find that the negative stigma isn't as prevalent as you might think... xoxo
Kat, I thought something might be up! Glad that you have seen sense though and started on your pills again. You are one brave lady, thanks so much for sharing.
I love your honesty and generosity in sharing your story with us all. You know that I know all too well what you are going through! I took "happy pills" for a few weeks, felt great and decided that maybe I didn't really need them after all... until I totally crashed and burned! Sometimes we just have to learn these things the hard way :)
Hang in there, look after yourself and it will all come good. xx
You are so right Kat. We need to bring Mental Health issues out of the dark & into the light. We should be able to talk about them just as we can for any other medical problem. (I remember when no one mentioned ... cancer)
I'm glad you had the conversation with yourself, that it's OK to have these meds. No one would fault you for taking med for high blood pressure, why should your little pink pills be any different? You're correcting a chemical imbalance. That's all. Glad the dragon mum is receding!
((((((((((Kat)))))))))
OXO
I went through the same thing. Sort of.
But now I have been on medication for 5 years or so and I have no intentions of quitting it. I need it just like a diabetic needs insulin. No shame in it at all.
Hope things continue to go up for you!
Hi,
It's funny how different time zone, different job (mum of 2 (4 and 2 years-old) (teacher), do not make a d.....change: being a mum is hard, really hard. I really recognized myself with the "dragon mama", I also fought against medication for several months before giving in (couldn't be the mum I wanted anymore, couldn't find anything positive in my life, couldn't appreciate my job, my pupils...I had to do something. Meds, and taking quality time for me and then for my family was also helpful. My children started to have a full-night's sleep only once I could sleep myself...and then I started to think about wat i really wanted to do...mum, teach, lover and...craft. Thanks a lot for sharing with such truth in the choice of your words. People should not jump to conclusions, fatigue, burn-out, depression does not mean that one cannot cope with the life he/she has chosen. This demand for perfection, calmness, being-able to do every thing at once, this wondermum myth is a real danger. We all are great mom, the best for our children. But to achieve being a mum we must be ourselves. And so , yes, my kids go to a nanny so that mum can sew, read a little when she's not at work: ...and when i go pick them, we have quality time all together. Bath time is no longer a moment of shouts and me nagging them...
I'll copy your blog address to people I know.
Natalia
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